Mabuta # 19
Kanoma's notes in parenthesis ( )
Translator's notes in brackets [ ]
19th installment
_______ phobia
Are all of you, my readers, aware of your phobias? The truth is I, myself, hold a few phobias. I say that but they're only to a slight degree (probably).
This happened when I was still a second year grade schooler. My family went with my cousin's family to Hokkaido's Abashiri prison museum. Actually, the prison, which is open to the public, is used as the site of the museum. Naturally, at this place there are prison cells, and you're able to enter many of these cells. There is also one solitary confinement cell, and it was this cell that myself, my cousin of the same age, and two other cousins three years older than us (they're twins) entered. As soon as we did that, my uncle thought it would be funny to close the cell door with the four of us inside. With the exception of me, the other three thought it was hilarious, but I started to feel suffocatingly airtight, and this, combined with the pitch black [ of the cell ] had me feeling alarmingly scared. I started to cry out. It could have simply been the fact that it was so dark in there that I was afraid of any monsters that might have come out (but then again, there was also the fact that it was a prison site). But now that I'm an adult, I think that that might have been when my claustrophobia started. I don't know whether or not that was a traumatic experience, but even if it wasn't, that was the first moment that my fear of closed places began.
That's right, I'm claustrophobic. I'm horrible with places that make me feel sealed up, places in which it's not easy to get out of. I'm also bad with attractions at amusement parks or theme parks in which you're closed in to something. Likewise, I don't like elevators. If the elevator is large, or if it's one in a department store in which you can see outside of it then it's okay. But if I'm in a small elevator I start to feel suffocated and dizzy.
Is it possible that you've heard the terms "sokushinbutsu" and "dochuu nyuujou"? This is where a hole is dug about 3 meters into the ground, and in this hole an air tube is all that connects to a wooden coffin. A monk is in the coffin. Earth is used to cover the hole, and the monk does not eat or drink, chanting sutras continually until he stops breathing. This is asceticism. To a clastrophobe like me, stories like this are shocking, and I only have to imagine it to become frightened. Out of all the possible ways to die that I can imagine, this has to be the worst. In any case, after successfully completing sokushinbutsu, the body within the coffin naturally mummifies, and at some temples these mummies are on display. I think I'd like to see one. What a world we live in!
If I remember correctly, this happened about the time I was 4 or 5 years old. I lived on the 11th floor of a mansion building, and one day while I was on the elevator, I suddenly felt that touching the button would be disgusting. This has nothing to do with claustrophobia. The act of touching the button repulsed me. There was no reason for this feeling to start, I think it just came about naturally.
That's how I became a clean-freak. Though I say clean-freak, I don't think it's to a serious degree (probably). It's not that I feel repulsed by anything that a stranger might have touched, the degree to which I feel grossed out depends on the particular object. The hand straps on trains and buses. The handrails on escalators. The door handles on places like convenience stores. Pay phones and things like that. If I'm not able to avoid the situation, I try to not touch these things. Especially the hand straps on trains, and escalator handrails, I haven't touched those in many years. And if I'm out and have to use the bathroom, if there isn't disinfectant, I'll bear it and find a different bathroom. I think that bathrooms in the train stations are just unsanitary, so I just won't use them. I'll do things like opening and shutting the lock on the doors with toilet paper. Stuff like that. I don't know how it is with other clean-freaks, but for me there's a huge difference between stuff that complete strangers touch, and stuff that people that I know touch. For example, I'm fine using the bathroom at a friend's house, and it's possible to even share a toothbrush with a person you love (but actually I haven't ever shared a toothbrush.... ).
And so, how do I feel about shaking hands at instore events? As far as this is concerned, it doesn't bother me in the least. And why is that? If I think about it, there are a few reasons. First off, fans are not strangers. Further, most of the instores are made up of females. I have an image of all females being generally cleanly. And so, how would I feel if I had to do a handshake event with 300 old men whom I had never seen before and didn't know? Aa, that'd be disgusting, and just imagining it I shiver.... Again, let's think about this. How would I feel if I had to do a handshake event with 300 good looking guys whom I didn't know? Yeah, somehow I don't get the feeling it would be okay. Actually, it's unknown how it'd go. But thinking about shaking hands with 300 elementary school children is a little gross. Because school children are always getting dirty. Especially boys in the lower grades. It seems that they don't wash their hands after touching things like frogs.
With that, if this fear of dirt was to become serious, kissing the person you love would even make you feel sick. It's good that it hasn't become that serious....
Since I was a kid I've been told, "Look the person you're speaking to in the eyes" but that's something that I just can't fix now.
I'm really horrible at meeting people's eyes. I might be something that most everyone can do easily, but conversely, for me, I've never understood it. I think it's normal to feel embarrassed to look the person you really like into the eyes (especially a person who doesn't like you back), but most people feel okay to look their parents, their friends, and even their bosses in the eye. But for me I'm embarrassed to look my parents, friends, and even my juniors in the eye. Why is that, when I think about two of us speaking and looking each other in the eyes I feel embarrassed. I can't help it.
For example, if I'm talking to a guy friend and looking into his eyes it's like, "Even though we're friends, why are we looking each other in the eyes? It's not that type of relationship ...."
This is a type of Taijin Kyofusho [ a disorder in Japan, similar to social anxiety ], similar to the fear of eye to eye confrontation. This is where other people looking at you gets to you. It's different from eye to eye confrontation in that you feel that people get a bad feeling when they look in your eyes, and from this comes not being sure about where to rest your eyes. Not looking the other person in the eye when they're speaking is one form of this.
But when I'm on stage I don't dislike meeting a fan's eyes. It's only when I'm on stage, but it even makes me feel good to do this. It's very strange. I feel that when I'm on stage I'm set free from all anxieties, trepidations and I'm not so concerned about keeping up appearances. There I can be my ideal self. That's certainly a reason why I feel so attached to the stage, it's become my salvation.
~ Promised Report ~
In Mabuta 15 I wrote about a postcard informing me that I'd moved on to the next level of a haiku contest, do you remember? The other day I received a notification that "Your work has placed in the top finals and has received honorable mention." Before I said I would write about the results of the contest, and so here I am.
Hmm, happy, happy, not so happy, not happy. Because honorable mention is an OK placement. Wouldn't it have been right for me to receive an evaluation like "This is quite excellent work."
And so, there may be readers who are interested in what the essence of a publication is. There may be some of you who are daring to attempt publishing. There are three ways of submitting a manuscript listed below, and though the order doesn't matter, I'll go through them.
1. A literary style that is quintessentially you.
2. The style is somewhat like yours, that's what you aim for more or less.
3. This is the easy way out. Cutting out your style completely, and writing something that you think, "If I write it this way, I'll definitely get through."
Sure enough, this is how they chose. And with that reasoning, I can't be embarrassed that I wasn't published. Next year, I'll aim for first place or the judge's choice. Dammit~!!!
